Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
