Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
did i just pee glitter
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
