If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
