There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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