she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
