P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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