too bad you live with your parents still
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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