Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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