What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
