I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
