I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
