look no pants
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
