i wish peter jackson would direct porn
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
