it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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