Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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