you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I am midnight drunk by noon
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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