I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
