ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
