You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
