Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She needs sedatives and a leash
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
