So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
