Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
