Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
