Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
