it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
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There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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