I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
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im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
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I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"