Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My butt remains clenched, sir.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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