i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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