I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
