The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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