i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
