The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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