he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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