wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
