i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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