if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
