under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
