Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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