Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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