So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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