Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.