Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
someone owes me an orgasm
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Randomize
