i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
