Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
