I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
