She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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