If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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