Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
