I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i came on her dog
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She bit a glass in half.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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