i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
