Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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