Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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