my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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