The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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