I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
