Only a mothe r could love this liver
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
