this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
