Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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