Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
