I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I checked into jail on foursquare
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
