direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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