well I can't set my house on fire every night
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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