You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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